Category: Feelings


Never before have I been more convinced and full of conviction against this digital prison. We created it, which means we can also create alternatives and a bridge to those alternatives. I will no longer capitalize the I in internet. Why? It doesn’t deserve to be a proper noun. Sure, it is an undeniable source of many things, but as a source, it is also endless, and because people are powerless to resist, it controls and manipulates lives in ways that were once unthinkable.

You may say, “It’s the way life is now,” but can that be said without considering the implications of a blind acceptance of technological momentum driven by money-hungry corporations, etc? Sure, maybe for some, but for all people? And I’m not talking about being scared of technology, I’m talking about knowing that it is important and even essential in our lives… moderately, that is. Yes, a balance is the most important, and considering so much is done via computer now, in many definite ways, we are slaves. There are so many ways to emancipate ourselves from all this stuff too. Everyone’s silent… waiting… waiting for what? While waiting for something outside to occur, nothing inside is possible. Just further enslavement. Where’s the limit? Where does it end?

Being off of TV now for over four years, maybe I’ve lost touch with reality as you know it, but I am in touch with a reality of my own, a new reality I am the sole architect of and acrobat in, where silence and solitude are the norm. I have a computer in my office, but none at home. I use my smartphone sparingly: mostly flashcard apps for learning things, jotting down notes, taking pictures of silly things and sending them to people and the occasional album. I also check my email with it, an email address from which I send messages to old friends only to hear nothing, from some people, ever.

I wouldn’t mention it here if it was just a few people, but it’s an epidemic. Maybe the messages are discarded mistakenly. Maybe they’re lost in the spam folder and then deleted. But, when I have people acknowledge that they got the message, how should I feel? When I get an email, I respond within a reasonable time frame. When I get a letter, I try to do the same.

Letters! What happened to them? I still mail them, though much less now, as seems to be the trend. How can we reverse these trends, seemingly turn back time to recapture something meaningful (not just when thought about with nostalgia), something lasting.

I reactivated my facebook today with the dual intent of getting some pictures from it and giving people shit for not responding via other media. Talking to a few people, I realized they have their own lives, and I’m satisfied in mine, so interfere? I don’t want a reply at this point anyway, just wanted them to feel ashamed that they didn’t respond because of wasting time on things that I consider meaningless because they impose limitations on interactions.

Don’t you understand, I’d rather boycott it than be a member, regardless of what fun and frivolity is to be had?

Blogs offer more, but they also require more, and are rarely filled with original perspectives, mostly idiosyncratic, selfish ones (mine included) and are thus a waste of time if the time spent reading them is not carefully monitored.

In conclusion (for now), what is this digital world? Devour your despair with distractions? Distractions, you mean unnecessary invasions of a life that is too short and too precious to be wasted here. So stop reading now. Please, I implore you. Get off the computer and go outside. Not to spend money, and even if it’s merely to wander for thirty minutes before you return here, at least you’ll have gotten some fresh air.

Captured!

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While playing with the dog this morning, a woman worker tied a rope to a tree and tried to entice the dog with a piece of breed on the loop. Leaning against a nearby tree, I told her the dog was smart and that she wouldn’t be able to catch it. Twenty minutes later, she untied the rope, said it wasn’t possible, and left.

There were two men crouched in the grass watching the dog watch them from the tiny valley. The dog had recently bit a few girls, so not only was the concensus on campus to catch it, but they’d started to actually try.

Saw the dog again around six tonight and he was so excited, running through and around bushes as he barked.

Suddenly a yelping and a trashing around… then I noticed the wire. Two students offered to help, one leaving to borrow a knife, the other comforting the dog. I investigated the wire, and switched places with the kid comforting the dog. Looking into his eyes and past he first layer of extreme terror, throbbed a palpable sadness. Tried to coax the dog forward to loosen the wire around its throat, but it was resigned to its fate. It was caught, and knew that escaping only postpones the inevitable.

As the first guy returned with the blade and the secind had undone the wire, an officer appeared with a harpoon like device.

“Student,” he said to the kid, “I’m here for the dog. Where is it?”

Holding back tears, I told the man that I loathed him and wanted to say more, but didn’t. Another man appeared, lifted the dog by the neck, dropped it in a tiny cage and took it away.

Scared dog

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This dog roams around a little hill on campus, and today a student and I fed it. The dog was skittish at first, but after a while smelled my hand and let me pet its nose but not its head. It also followed me for a few steps when we left. I have a favorable history with animals, especially dogs, and I think in time, this dog and I can play together…

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Midterm time is close at the university and students are stressed. What about the midpoint of each day? Noon… are you stressed at lunch or just hungry, following your stomach?

What about life: is there a known midpoint? Take, for instance, the bumblebee in the picture. Does it know anything about its present, past or future? Do we?

I realize I need some kind of larger project to keep me going just about everyday. Otherwise I usually fabricate distractions and though until this point I don’t know why exactly, I know I do so and that’s the first step to change, right? Until just a few months ago, I was intent almost exclusively on tail, and thought the chase is sometimes fun and entertaining, it’s leaves one feeling mostly hollow and more alone. In a serious relationship now, I feel grounded and able to work on the things that matter most: always things to take my time and now it’s time to devote myself exclusively to those that require the most. I have the reading project, three (or four) old novels to edit, a new one to begin, numerous stories to prepare for publication, learning Korean, girlfriend and friends, oh, and work!

Being a writer, an artist isn’t romantic or exciting in the least. At times. Here it is three in the morning with wake up at six-fifty and I can’t sleep because I realized the most recent novel doesn’t begin right and I’m actually stressed out about it, something that’s not even real or wasn’t until I created it. And I don’t care if that’s a run-on sentence, cause if this ain’t insanity, what is?

Today I destroyed my computer. I threw it off the balcony, and retrieving it from the pit where it was partly smashed, brought it back to my room and tore it apart. My efforts were interupted by a phone call from the girlfriend, but I will continue the destruction later. Spread it out over a week or a few days. Savor it.

Two weekends ago I had left it at a computer repair shop and picked it up last weekend, paying around $100 total for some hardware repairs and a Windows reinstall. It worked okay for a few days, and started having problems again almost right away. Problems I’ve fixed in the past, but I learned to hate the computer so much without it for those nearly four months.

Not having a computer has been nothing but a blessing. It is nearly impossible to live without a computer, and that doesn’t mean I must own one. I pledge not to get one ever again, and want to stick to that pledge. Seriously. What I want more than anything else right now is an amanuensis, someone to help with the administrative aspects of editing and manuscript preparation; I will merely focus on writing and reading. Writing. Reading. Writing. Reading. Etc. Instead of using a machine to compose fiction, I will be the machine for it’s creation.

If only these feelings of Supreme Goodness could be bottled and stored, saved for distribution on a specialized schedule based on need—those days when you feel lowest, most in need of a substantial boost. Or consumed randomly… adding increasing goodness and well-being to the already overflowing mirth.

Unstoppable desire, unquenchable want…

“…

Hunting and racing madden the heart.

Exotic goods ensnarl human lives.

Therefore the Sage

Takes care of the belly, not the eye

Chooses one, rejects the other.”

Thus balance in chaos, mystery within order. A deep that can be penetrated but not known. The seeker finds Nothing.

Sheer Exhaustion

So much I want to do tonight (ambition-wise), but I’m still so sick and tired that I’m gonna go to bed early. If only we could bottle up excess energy from days where there was nothing to do or an overwhelming sense of boredom and purposelessness. Use that energy at some later time.

Rest and recuperation is essential; energy is the key to balance and happiness. Now that there are more busy days and distractions than ever before, I’m learning what’s important and what’s not. It’s not surprising how many things don’t matter—what’s surprising is how few things actually make a difference: tiny moments that shape life for better—or worse. Yet these moments are fleeting and can’t be relied on for good feelings. They just come and go on a whim, sometimes not even noticed until much, much later.

Addendum: Trying to write today… and I can’t do it. Even just retyping. My mind is so exhausted. I can’t concentrate on writing a new blog, can’t work on new stories, but I can read. So I’m either gonna read or go window shopping… though it’s getting colder outside and I don’t want to spend any money. I also don’t want to stay cooped up on campus every weekend.