Category: Dreams


I have been living in the Republic of Korea since August of 2009, and during my ever increasing time here, my opinions regarding many things have changed (an inevitable part of living, really). Learning Korean, I’ve also had a different experience than a lot of foreigners who either don’t try or don’t progress. At first, I really wanted to speak the language very well quickly for whatever multifarious reasons, but lately I’ve been a bit lazy and just enjoying understanding without showing off. Others do know that I understand—the knowing eyes and pained/taxed expression from listening—no need to reply.

With a month to go before my Visa expires, and it being vacation time, even though I’m working at a two week writing camp for Yonsei at the phantom friendly Seongdo campus over in Incheon, I am still able to linger on the job prospects (have been looking for a new one since February or so) and worry. Maybe I was a bit selective, and I did have two interviews, neither of which was offered nor a job I was particularly willing to take. Perhaps I would have worked at either out of convenience, but probably wouldn’t be happy. I’ve thought a lot about leaving the country, especially recently. Haven’t decided what I’ll do yet.

Perhaps it’s more a matter of never staying on the path long enough or being dissatisfied because I haven’t been on the path long enough or haven’t produced as much as I might have liked. Each day is only so long, and not having a computer, facebook or TV has made me so productive, and there’s only so much to do before I start to lose sleep to do what I consider essential. Whenever I feel this way (meaning I’m happy and headed in the right direction), something inside clicks and I start to get in my own way. For instance, alcohol has been a constant problem… I would crave a night of drunken debauchery, and feel numb and indifferent to how/who I was beforehand. Lately though, I haven’t been drinking. Or, when I have, it’s been in moderation, and definitely never when upset. There are plenty of people who drink too much without reason… I know where to find them, yet they’re not my true friends nor ever were or will be; they’re soul stealers who only need a companion in banter and chaos… that companion is no longer me. Now, if I do drink, instead of getting crazy or feeling shitty afterward, I feel fine, and the actual time drinking is usually an affirmation of life and happiness… nothing else. And now that I have been on a level-headed path for so long and should continue, I’ve come to some conclusions:

Grin and bear it. Seriously. Though the world is full of fuck heads and con artists and assholes, those people also have hearts you can access if you yourself are honest and give it a try. Smile, laugh, share the warmth, they hide or you expose from within yourself, and you’ll see those people will open up. But only if you open up honestly, without ulterior motives. I’m thinking of two individuals in particular right now, one a security guard at my job, and the other’s the owner of my favorite restaurant in Hayang. Both are older Koreans: the first male, the other opposite. The first was always grumpy and one day I smiled and laughed when I saw him and he burst out laughing… probably mumbled that I was crazy, but that was the first time in nine months that I’d ever seen him laugh. The other has a serious façade, but when you put time in, she’ll open up and be friendly and real with you.

Maybe it’s not this place that’s the problem, but me. Lately I’ve felt not scattered, but disconnected and confused, being without old friends or a meaningful dialogue with them for so long. What hurts is that they’re disconnected too, so that when I try to contact them… Nothing. Maybe I will never get rid of this blog, but as soon as this round of job searching is over, I’m gonna shut of my phone when I’m not using it. Why? Because I check my email hoping to see responses—selfishly wanting others to contact me, I think it’s selfish if they don’t—just because I’m so focused and on top of things, I shouldn’t expect others to be.

Bottom line, and a somewhat unrelated point, is that everyone isn’t perhaps racist, but has an intense fear sometimes bordering on hatred regarded Others: those whom we do not know intimately, and in many instances, do not wish to know. And that’s the kind of pigheaded bullshit that gets people to say, “My country is the best in the world” and other bullshit that’s fed to them by their Retainers. Ignorance precludes such feelings. You know what? People all over this soiled sphere say that about their countries, political parties, sexual preferences, favorite colors, foods, sports, etc. And do you know what I think?

They’re all wrong. This is the best planet (in the solar system only?) and this is the only life we know… so why worry about what we don’t know? Just go about your day to day doing the absolute best.

We get what we give. We might complain, “Blah, blah, blah,” but it’s really nothing when we consider how others are doing. Sure, life may not be what we want, but it never was nor might ever be, so shut your mouth and use all that built up negative energy to burn a fire toward making this already limited life closer to the way that fits you. Without destroying others.

Almost finished reading the first manuscript (“novel”) after not looking at it for six years. Had about a hundred pages to go, but had to leave for camp. Busy with camp, but will read the second one this week. Then I’ll know what to transfer from the first to the second. Parts from the first can probably be used for three different novels, one of which is still unwritten. Looks like work on the next novel will begin in March, before which point I hope to have finished editing most of the epic novel from 2008. That’s all for now…

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Nearly fifteen hundred pages to edit. Add another thousand and it’s pretty much everything in book/manuscript form that I’ve written in the last ten years: the first decade in a hopefully long and fruitful career. Cheers!

Birthday Plans

Can’t sleep. Thinking about BIG birthday plans… to take a trip. It’ll be expensive, but I think totally worth it. Wanted to go to the Middle East, but that’d be too dangerous now. This place…

Well, we’ll see. Gotta plan and budget hard.

TOPIK in a few hours…

On this new spiritual journey, some nights sleep is barely possible. The newly established communion awakens with numerous facets beyond documentation—whispers and shadows I cannot share. Dreams and visions.

Names can name no lasting name. Thus the actuality remains ethereal, even in the inner mind, which is adamantly opposed to elaboration here/yet. Both mysterious and comprehended reasons.

Sometimes it’s not what we search for, but what searches for us that changes the game in these unexpected and ethereal ways.

Obama Dream

Had my third dream featuring Obama. We were in a monster truck demolishing the traffic jam, just driving on top of all the cars, so that my stomach was going up and down as if it was a roller coaster. I told him to slow down, and he turned and grinned mischievously (maybe sinister) and said, “I don’t care anymore.” Then we accelerated.

Dream about RJD

Had another dream about Ronnie James Dio… in this one he was on his deathbed and I was the last one to see him alive, though I left so he could die in peace (as he requested). His wife was so heartbroken, and I tried to console her, but it was as if she had lost a part of herself. Won’t reveal the details of the scene or what he said, though they were both epic.

One Year

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary in Korea. Perhaps it was a sense of ennui the last few nights that has made me feel sad, almost cynical, and though I shrugged it off while celebrating last night, it came back. Only this time it didn’t manifest itself as sadness but as rage. The endless rage I always suppress and silence, the rage that must be neutralized.

Last night was probably the single craziest night I’ve ever had in Korea and though it was maddening, it was my own doing. So much has happened in the last year, so many changes in the immediate environment and even more within. Although all are actual and real, most  manifest after difficult events and circumstance, and the change reflects not only in the reaction to said obstacles, but in my perspective and thoughts.

Living in Thailand put things into a new meaning, but skewed and scattered any inherent direction. Certain things gelled about Korea while away (the language especially), but other things seem more ethereal: specific examples of which I am unable to elaborate at this time; why writing this particular blog has proven so difficult.

But this rage must be dealt with. I’ve spent the better part of a year transforming and now I want to make myself more peaceful and sane. During this second year in Korea, I want to further master the language and delve into a deeper understanding of the culture. And more…

Strange Dreams

Took the bus to a bookshop with many treasures. In India. Met an old writer, maybe Roth or Bellow, someone with more than a modicum of fame in the guise of a professor I met in Daegu—when I asked how many hours a week I should write, I was told fifty. Many treasures at the store, yet I left without buying any: intending to return.

May!

Fifth month of the tenth year of 2000. Special meaning? Not to me, but it does represent an auspicious opportunity to live according to our dreams. I admonish everyone to forget about little distractions and focus on what they really want. NOW!