Ignorance is stagnation, yet an endless search may be hazardous to happiness, so what is the middle course? Both extremes are intoxicatingly powerful and extremely deadly. For me, at least, the middle road is one of vigilant self-awareness mixed with unbridled compassion to challenge unnerving ambition.

I no longer want to linger within my mind, as it’s not always a reassuring and peaceful place. There’s a secret, unsettling rage bubbling beneath the surface and lately it’s been more persistent in its violence and urge to breathe and spawn. I feel suppressed—for many reasons I still cannot fathom or articulate, but I need to stop being scared. This is not the time for distractions or unnecessary commitments, instead a time for flight and growth. To soar by allowing myself to be who I am, to do what I do and nothing else. Perhaps that’s where the rage comes in, perhaps using a little, at first, as an honest experiment. See what I can accomplish with its aid.

One of my students said that I was only half crazy and that if I focused one hundred percent, I would be a genius. I truly believe this, yet it scares me as well, because mostly I feel others like the clown side of me and not the true lionheart. But why should I care what others thing? Why should I work so hard for their acceptance? If I am indeed the king, which I am, why do I desire the love of others more than anything? It’s something I want so much yet rarely receive.

“What if I was positive all the time?” I once asked a good friend. “I have the energy. I have to fight with light.”

I don’t like to be toyed with, and sometimes I feel that’s all others do. Not everyone, but many—most. Perhaps it’s our nature—I know not. Whatever it is, I loathe it. Sure, I play games, but at least I’m honest and try not to toy with others’ emotions. My life has become a surreal drama recently, and though I like to be kept busy, sometimes it’s a bit much.

I don’t want to talk about girls, but they contribute, so I will. Just this once… cause she’s no longer current. Su Jeong’s a friend of one of the other professor’s conversation students, and I met her last Monday and asked her to a lunch date for the following day. She was late because she forgot, thus paying. I made the mistake of speaking only in Korean, which I realized when I saw her this because when I saw her and her friend this Wednesday at the dining hall, I spoke only English and her friend said she didn’t like English. I asked her when we could meet again and she said she was busy, so I asked if she wanted to see me again and she said no. Her friend said that she liked some other guy (who didn’t like her), and that she also had a lover.

Then on Thursday a girl at the English café told me about how Su Jeong told her a story about me, and that made me question both of their motives. She was very aggressive during the rest of the café: “Have you lost weight deliberately?” I saw her again today: that’s her style. There’s still a bit of a lingering affection (미련) for Su Jeong, but I’ll get through it with the help of a bevy of babes. On my walk to the elementary school, I tried to argue against seeing ANY girls, at least for a little while, and then one of the many blocked my path, and she was on my mind for the rest of the walk. (In a quick aside, I was able to get a girl at the dining hall to kiss me, then she said, “But my boyfriend.” So my skills are vastly improving, but enough of that…)

Mostly I’m sick of being innocent and getting played because of it. I thought being a playboy I could play all the girls and break their hearts… I’m the fool every time (항상). I must keep fighting and striving and that something more will come.