Met my new girl at midnight in Seoul after not expecting to see her this weekend because she was busy. Text her during my last class, said I was going drinking, and she was instantly interested, said my hometown was too far, that she wanted to drink (a little), but I had to come to her.

The usual text tag (70 or so messages in two hours) before I finally met her at the third subway station (she kept changing it). We went to a very busy bar and she explained that it was usually empty, but we had two beers there anyway. She told me she was happy to see me, saying she was fat and was once beautiful. I said, “You ARE beautiful!” she was so overcome with joy she hugged me and was beaming, “Thank you!”

We went to another place; it was deserted. We had something resembling dinner/a late night snack and soju, which always makes me a little nervous. She opened up a lot more, said she’d give me her heart once I could speak more Korean, and praised how good it was already. Everytime I wanted to say something, she said, “Korean!” and I did my best, the countless hours finally paying off, but not where I want to be yet.

We went to a final, lonely bar, and while we were writing song requests on napkins, some guy nearby started talking to us and some girl kept giving me the eye, and I her, so eventually I sat next to her while the guy talked to “my” girl. The new girl she said she was in publishing (her friend gave me his card). I showed her my new novel (I happened to have the second book along) and asked what she wanted with me: she said she didn’t know, and we discussed how Korean girls treat me like a toy because I’m a foreigner and she admitted that was the only reason she was talking to me. She said maybe she could help me with my book and asked why I didn’t have any books published yet. I told her I wanted to be a dad and get married soon and she seemed alarmed, “Only to Korean girl? Here in Korea?” The bar was closing and she wanted to give me her number (inevitable) but she didn’t know it and I couldn’t remember mine, but I called my phone with hers. Lilith was her name (made sure to get her Korean name as well), and she asked if I knew the story behind her Western name (I told her I did), then we were outside, looking for my girl.

The guy that had been with her pointed ahead, and I ran. She was totally trashed… just like last time. I coaxed her to the subway, said I wanted to take her home (she lives alone, not with her parents), and after going to the bathroom, she said she wanted to take a taxi home.  We had a trying moment on the stairs, me telling her I wanted to like her and her heavy drinking was preventing that, her saying she already really liked me and was sorry for her drinking. I said if she continued to drink so much that I’d only see her once more, but she was so drunk I don’t think she understood, and maybe I didn’t mean it forever, just in that moment.

She called me while I was on the subway to tell me she was home, and I told her I had her cigarettes. We had made a promise earlier in the night to hang out next Saturday at 6PM–not midnight, but most likely involving drinks nonetheless–we’ll see. She told me last time that she was a crazy girl, and she reiterated that tonight, explaining that she wasn’t just a little crazy but fully crazy (She’s learned a majority of her working Enlish from The Simpsons). I don’t know what her craziness means or how it affects how I feel about her. Last week she said I was a secret from her parents, but she somehow told her mother about me, that I was a “really good friend.” On the subway stairs I told her that maybe I wanted to love her (she was surprised), but maybe my heart is closed and tucked snuggly up inside and I’m not sure when it will be available again. In the meantime, I guess I’ll try to have fun, though my game is better now that my heart’s not in it…